I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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