I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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