ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
