I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
