after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
