Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
