if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
