I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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