Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
