She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
