youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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