hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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