in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
