The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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