just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
