yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
