I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We need to get me chipped asap
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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