Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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