this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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