the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
