I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
