if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
