dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
