I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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