Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
