bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
