Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
