my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
