I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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