When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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