look no pants
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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