Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
