Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
