Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
