oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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