i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
