Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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