oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
