Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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