So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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