Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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