I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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