The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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