I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
