Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
