i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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