"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
