It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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