if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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