how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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