I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
