Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I have surprise drugs for everyone
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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